“Sometimes when I’m alone I like to think of turtles. When I
am not alone, I like to think of turtles... probably because I was abused as a
child.” –Turtle.
In the life of Psychology, many people have tried to be
really cool. Some guys like to abuse animals (Ivon and Skinner). Others
however, like to hypnotize innocent people and read their minds. Sigmund Freud
is a good example of such people, as he is very creepy and bald and I think
sometimes bald people are only bald because they are creepy. The above quote
summarizes the basic concepts of Psychoanalysis. Basically, if you buy Sigmund
a piece of pie, he say “You were raped when you were a baby. Sit down and let
me control your mind.” Then he suck the blood from your neck like a vampire. He
was so influential and European that people obeyed. At first no one trusted him because he was
only bald, but then he grew a really big moustache and wore glasses and then
people started to say “he must be a psychologist”. Is true, when you are bald
and hairy at the same time, this requires mind abilities which only therapists
have.
OK. So after spending the years of talking to people, he
started coming up with theories that really don’t make the sense, but because
they are funny, we talk about them still. One of the theories is the Oedipal
Complex, whereby a boy loves his mom and tries to kill his dad. Socrates found
that so funny back in the BC, that he wrote a play about it. See? Sigmund Freud
was very influential. He also came up with a theory called Penis Envy, whereby
girls want to have penises. I think this is silly because riding a bike would
be difficult. OK. Anyways, Sigmund was the father of Psychoanalysis, the first
of the “talking therapies”. He probably had an affair with Carl Jung to make
such a baby, but we don’t talk about that in the history.
Talk therapies comprise of several important parts, all of
which will result in serious mind control.
I will use Larz Bullfly as an
example because she is my favourite patient. So first I put Larz on a funny
couch and sit behind her so she cannot see me. I could be naked, she would not
know. I could be a vampire, she would not know. I am not a vampire though so
don’t be afraid of me. I’m lovely.
So OK. The first part
of doing the therapy is Free Association. Basically, Larz lies down and she
talks and talks and talks about her life. She say things like “I used to love
cows, but now I eat them so this confuses me.” I say, “How do this make you
feel?”
“Awful.”
“How does that make you feel?”
“Awful.”
“I see, so tell me about the abuse.”
See, I read her mind. She did not say she was abused, but I
noticed that she hesitated when she said awful, so obviously she was hurted. “But
I wasn’t abused...” she say. Denial is a defence mechanism that the ego (a subconscious
entity) puts up to suppress conflicting thoughts that remain in the unconscious.
The ego tries to balance the id (instincts) and the super ego (morals and
values) by using these mechanisms. Every time she seems to hesitate or change
subject, I know that there is a defence mechanism, so I probe her. Sometimes I
probe her anally, but most of the time I probe her with words.
“So who abused you you?”
“I WASN’T ABUSED!” she say. She then hits me across the face
and it hurts but I’m still pretty. This is another defence mechanism called
displacement, wherein she will act impulsively at a not threatening target.
Clearly she is having abuse trauma.
“Listen, I talked about cows. That’s it, therefore, I wasn’t abused at all.” Here is the other mechanism, intellectualization. She tries to be
smarter than me because she cannot accept that I am reading her mind.
“You’re dumb.” Here she is engaging in reaction formation,
whereby she is saying an opposite belief because the real truth is too awesome
and gives her anxiety and sweaty palms. She obviously believes that I am super
smart, but this gives her sweaty palms so she cannot play Nintendo, so she say
opposite. Other defence mechanism exist, but I’m too tired to write them.
OK. So next thing is Transference, where I pretend I am a
canvas and I let Larz paint all over me. This is sexy, but we only do it with
our minds. In other words, I become the conflict. Larz targets her emotions at me so she can work through her
conflict:
“Okay anyways. I’m not so certain if I really want to eat
cows anymore. But I honestly don’t care about them. I think I’m going to drink
some cosmos.”
“Moo.”
“What?”
“ What are you doing?”
“...”
“So the cow abused you,yes?”
Is effective, yes? Yes. Then I will read her dreams because
I can. And finally, I will interpret all the results and draw a conclusion.
Larz obviously suffers from diabetes. Here is a graph of my results:
As you can see, the more severe her dreams, the more I care. But after a while, I watch Jersey Shore because I am bored of looking at dreams of cows.
OK. So Psychoanalysis is super complicated. Is going to be
long. This is only a small portion of the true science behind being a mind
reading vampire. Stay tuned.
**AFTERWORDS: Larz Bullfly still eat cow. She also eat
llama. She should apologize.
But she don’t.
disclaimer: Abuse is a very serious offence. Seriously.
