Projective Tests: also called: Vampires.

" Sometimes when I watch Days of Our Lives, I start seeing ink blots all over the place and then I pass out. I think I have a serious problem." -Dominant Goodlook.

Dominant Goodlook (so named for her dominant looks and sexual prowess) is my lover. We have many nights of sweaty hugs. I ask her to marry me, but she say "No." I want to know why. So I will do Projective Tests! A Projective Test is a test used in Psychoanalysis that is supposed to help vampires interpret what is happening subconsciously. I am not a vampire, just a lust-filled sex rose who desires Dominant's body, so this is why I will use her as an example.

1. RORSCHACH'S INK BLOT TEST

A Rorschach ink blot tries to reveal any subconscious attentional biases a given person can have. Is basically hiring two year olds to pour ink on the papers and then making oragamy. Then we show this beautiful artwork to the patients and they misinterpret it.
Here is an example of what an ink blot looks like.

Dominant looks at this beautiful portrait of Mr. Moustachio that lives on Saint-Catherine street and say:
"It looks like that guy on Saint-Catherine street."
"So you love this man, yes?"
"What? No."
"Marry me?"
"no."
"please"
"Stop."

:'c

Obviously Dominant has an attentional bias towards moustaches. Now, based on this interpretation, I can deduce that growing a moustache is helpful. If this portrait were to be shown to someone like Larz, all she would see is Llamas drinking cosmos. She obviously is crazy. Llamas drink beer.

"Hey that one kind of looks like you."
Is not true.




2. THEMATIC APPERCEPTION TEST


Another way to delve into the flower petals of the mind to reveal subconcious thoughts and biases, is the thematic apperception (my dictionary say this word is no good, but I love it very much and refuse to change it) test. Basically, the patient is presented with ambiguous scenes and asked to interpret what's going on. Larz Bullfly kindly provided one of these scenes.

Now Dominant, what is it that you see?
"You on Valentine's Day."
"Will you marry me then?"
"No."

Based on these two test results, I conclude that Dominant Goodlook does not love me because
a. I am not a moustachio.
b. I am too tubby.
c. Larz Bullfly thinks that Llamas drink cosmos.
d. I have to pee.


Here is my statistcal proof that I am all of these problems:

Is academic, yes? No. But is truth.

Dominant Goodlook will marry me. Larz say no. 

Larz lies.

"Actually, I think you're the ugliest thing on this planet and that your graph stinks. Check out the chartjunk. Kinda looks like your face."

LIES.

PSYCHOANALYSIS....AKA VAMPIROLOGY

“Sometimes when I’m alone I like to think of turtles. When I am not alone, I like to think of turtles... probably because I was abused as a child.” –Turtle.

In the life of Psychology, many people have tried to be really cool. Some guys like to abuse animals (Ivon and Skinner). Others however, like to hypnotize innocent people and read their minds. Sigmund Freud is a good example of such people, as he is very creepy and bald and I think sometimes bald people are only bald because they are creepy. The above quote summarizes the basic concepts of Psychoanalysis. Basically, if you buy Sigmund a piece of pie, he say “You were raped when you were a baby. Sit down and let me control your mind.” Then he suck the blood from your neck like a vampire. He was so influential and European that people obeyed.  At first no one trusted him because he was only bald, but then he grew a really big moustache and wore glasses and then people started to say “he must be a psychologist”. Is true, when you are bald and hairy at the same time, this requires mind abilities which only therapists have.

OK. So after spending the years of talking to people, he started coming up with theories that really don’t make the sense, but because they are funny, we talk about them still. One of the theories is the Oedipal Complex, whereby a boy loves his mom and tries to kill his dad. Socrates found that so funny back in the BC, that he wrote a play about it. See? Sigmund Freud was very influential. He also came up with a theory called Penis Envy, whereby girls want to have penises. I think this is silly because riding a bike would be difficult. OK. Anyways, Sigmund was the father of Psychoanalysis, the first of the “talking therapies”. He probably had an affair with Carl Jung to make such a baby, but we don’t talk about that in the history.

Talk therapies comprise of several important parts, all of which will result in serious mind control. 

I will use Larz Bullfly as an example because she is my favourite patient. So first I put Larz on a funny couch and sit behind her so she cannot see me. I could be naked, she would not know. I could be a vampire, she would not know. I am not a vampire though so don’t be afraid of me. I’m lovely.

  

So OK. The first part of doing the therapy is Free Association. Basically, Larz lies down and she talks and talks and talks about her life. She say things like “I used to love cows, but now I eat them so this confuses me.” I say, “How do this make you feel?”

“Awful.”

“How does that make you feel?”

“Awful.”

“I see, so tell me about the abuse.”

See, I read her mind. She did not say she was abused, but I noticed that she hesitated when she said awful, so obviously she was hurted. “But I wasn’t abused...” she say. Denial is a defence mechanism that the ego (a subconscious entity) puts up to suppress conflicting thoughts that remain in the unconscious. The ego tries to balance the id (instincts) and the super ego (morals and values) by using these mechanisms. Every time she seems to hesitate or change subject, I know that there is a defence mechanism, so I probe her. Sometimes I probe her anally, but most of the time I probe her with words.

“So who abused you you?”

“I WASN’T ABUSED!” she say. She then hits me across the face and it hurts but I’m still pretty. This is another defence mechanism called displacement, wherein she will act impulsively at a not threatening target. Clearly she is having abuse trauma.

“Listen, I talked about cows. That’s it, therefore, I wasn’t abused at all.” Here is the other mechanism, intellectualization. She tries to be smarter than me because she cannot accept that I am reading her mind.

“You’re dumb.” Here she is engaging in reaction formation, whereby she is saying an opposite belief because the real truth is too awesome and gives her anxiety and sweaty palms. She obviously believes that I am super smart, but this gives her sweaty palms so she cannot play Nintendo, so she say opposite. Other defence mechanism exist, but I’m too tired to write them.

OK. So next thing is Transference, where I pretend I am a canvas and I let Larz paint all over me. This is sexy, but we only do it with our minds. In other words, I become the conflict. Larz targets her emotions at me so she can work through her conflict:

“Okay anyways. I’m not so certain if I really want to eat cows anymore. But I honestly don’t care about them. I think I’m going to drink some cosmos.”

“Moo.”

“What?”

“ What are you doing?”

“...”

 

 

“So the cow abused you,yes?”

Is effective, yes? Yes. Then I will read her dreams because I can. And finally, I will interpret all the results and draw a conclusion. Larz obviously suffers from diabetes. Here is a graph of my results:

 

 As you can see, the more severe her dreams, the more I care. But after a while, I watch Jersey Shore because I am bored of looking at dreams of cows.

OK. So Psychoanalysis is super complicated. Is going to be long. This is only a small portion of the true science behind being a mind reading vampire. Stay tuned.

**AFTERWORDS: Larz Bullfly still eat cow. She also eat llama. She should apologize.

But she don’t.

LINK: http://allpsych.com/psychology101/defenses.html

disclaimer: Abuse is a very serious offence. Seriously.

QUIZ 1

HAVE YOU BEEN JAMMING SO MANY INFORMATIONS IN YOUR MIND THAT YOU MUST REGURGETATE (SP?) THEM OUT OF YOUR MOUTH BEFORE YOU DIE OF BLOOD CONSTIPATION?
YES?
IS BAD?
OK.
TAKE THIS QUIZ TO TEST YOUR POWERS AT BRAINWASHING PEOPLE USING CLASSICAL AND OPERANT CONDITIONING. YOU WILL FEEL SO RELIEVED AND EXCITED THAT SPECIAL PHYSIOLOGICAL THINGS WILL HAPPEN:

1. You will start balding.
2. A beard will begin to grow.
3. You will wear weird glasses.
4. You get old.
5. You fantasize about rats.

HAVE THESE CHANGES STARTED TO OCCUR? GOOD! YOU ARE OFFICIALLY ON YOUR WAY TO BECOMING A PSYCHOLOGIST.
( quiz is temporarily not made yet. Larz said she would make it, but she obviously lied to me. She does not apologize.)

BASIC BEHAVIOUR....and RATS?

"When I think of behaviour I think of sex. And then I think of my mom. And then I feel funny.” –Duerf Dnumgis

The above quotation has nothing to do with conditioning. It has a lot to do with that terrorist group run by an old guy who makes his worshippers believe that they want to mate with their moms. Don’t believe this man. He is only good looking. He is probably a vampire. Psychologists are not vampires. Only vampires are vampires. OK. This is his picture just in case you notice him sucking your blood:

Is good looking,yes? If you agree, look away because he will hypnotize you. Before I begin with the next lesson, I have to clear up some bureacracy things. First of all, Larz Bullfly is hung over today. She doesn't want to do the drawings. I tried to feed her cookies and pair them with a pencil, but she just started eating the pencil and then had severe constipation. I asked her why she would eat the pencil and she say "is trippin". Clearly she is not a Catiger.

An essential and crucial and fundamental aspect of psychology is termed Operant Conditioning. Operant Conditioning and Classical Conditioning are the daughters of Behavioural Psychology (Behavioural Psychology is married to Cognition, but had an affair with that vampire resulting in the babies: Ivon Pavlov and this ugly guy named Skinner). Is romantic, yes? NO; Skinner is an ugly bald man who skins babies on his weekends and puts rats in boxes and forces them to press buttons and feeds them cheese. I do not know which University he come from, because anyone who is a bro knows that rats only eat beef because beef is juicy and comes from cows whereas cheese is for pizza and macaroni. Come on. I read his eHarmony profile and only saw images of rats.  I hate this guy. But not as much as the vampire, although the resemblance is striking:

(Don't believe his hair.) OK. Operant Condition is based on simple concepts; parents like to use these concepts to manipulate their babies to learn things. First of all, there are two main features of this form of conditioned learning: Punishment and Reward. For instance, (and for this instance I will talk about hybrid Toad Monkeys and how they raise their babies) hybrid Toad Monkeys have a litter of 1 babies. When the mother hybrid Toad Monkey wishes to give birth, the concepts of Punishment and Reward come into play. When the baby makes a move to go outside of the Toad Monkey's special mama cave, the Toad Monkey gives the baby (while its mouth is protruding from the special mama cave) a piece of banana. The baby say "cool" and push to go out of the special mama cave more so it can be fed more banana. Even though I personally believe that there was enough banana that went into that cave over the mama's life, it is a natural process and we must forgive the Toad Monkey's slutty tendencies. So in this case, the banana is the reward that reinforces the baby's desirable behaviour. Is easy, yes? Yes.

Punishment refers to an adversive stimulus that stunts undesirable behaviour. Sometimes Toad Monkeys eat eachother because one of them ate their banana. Is bad, but is life. Some people think punishment feels good. Larz Bullfly, when she is not drunk, sometimes enjoys walking into walls. She say “is thrilling”. Psychologists don’t walk into walls. We walk into minds and eat them.

 

So far, we have discussed Punishment (Toad Monkey Cannabilism) and Reward (Bananas). These are the building blocks of the sky scraper of Operant Conditioning. However, people are clever and like to manipulate their children and brainwash them more thoroughly. Skinner calls this method Positive Reinforcement and Negative Reinforcement. If you want to remember these terms, here is tip/song I write for you:

I love it when I get cookies

Cookies are so nice

But when I get an axe to my head

I think of Skinner’s mice

‘cause they be getting drugs instead

And Drugs are really nice

I forgot the rest of the tip. 

 Positive reinforcement is basically rawarding someone. I do not know why Skinner makes this distinction, but then again he goes to a University where they feed rats cheese (he will never get a date). Here is a very intellectual example:

"I studied for this really hard exam for 10 minutes!" say boy.

"O! Here are the keys to my car!" say mom.

"I studied for this really hard exam for 15 minutes!" say boy.

"O! Here is the keys to a new car!" say mom.

"I love you mom!" say boy.

"I love you too!" say mom.

"..."

 

Awkward.

 All the letters in red is the Positive Reinforcement. As you can observe if you are still alive, the mother gives the boy rewards that start small, and increase as the boy continues to engage in good behaviour. The key word I want you to retain to help understand this is "positivereinforcement". OK.

Negative Reinforcement is not negative, it's positive.. so really it should be called Positive Reinforcement, but instead it's called Negative Reinforcement because everything needs to be different so you get confused and kill yourself with arsenic. I really hate this concept.

Negative Reinforcement refers to a reinforcement that removes aversive stimuli, thus reinforcing behaviour. The only example I can come up with is murder. People are aversive. You kill them (this is the negative reinforcement). Aversive people are removed. Therefore, you keep killing.

Another example which is equally as good because I am double smart, is baby making. Pregancy is aversive. You give birth (negative reinforcement). Aversive pregancy is removed. OH AND THEN YOU GET A DOUBLE BONUS BECAUSE NOW YOU HAS BABY SO YOU GET A REWARD. But then the baby poops. Poops is aversive. You clean the poops. You happy again. But then the baby poops more. At this point you give the baby to the hybrid Toad Monkey and run away. Hybrid Toad Monkeys have feelings so they care. This not an example of Operant Condition; it is an example of how Toad Monkeys love everybody, just like Psychologists do.

This film change my life.

Okay now a summary:

REWARD:

Man do laundry: man get a cookie.

PUNISHMENT:

Person with socks and sandles: person gets feet chopped off.

POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT:

Boy pass exam: boy gets a hug. so awkward.

NEGATIVE REINFORCEMENT:

People are annoying: unibomber.

Now you smart! Is good, yes? YES! But don't get your head too much in the air, because I'm still better at life. Keep this in mind when you ask stupid questions like “Y ARE DER NO LLAMAS USED DURING CONDITIONING?” Llamas are terrible creatures with bad teeth; that is why. 

**AFTERWORD: I accept boys who love their moms. Is the vampire man that makes it awkward.

STUDY OR SUFFER THE QUIZ.

BASIC BEHAVIOUR.. AND DOGS.

"Behavioural psychology is like an apple. It's very crunchy and has a lot of nutrients." -Random person on the street.

Based on this quote, it is clear that behavioural psychology is the most delicious part of psychology. Yes, in this world, behavioural psychology is simply the tastiest. However, in other worlds, like Planet Zorg, many refute this statement and say things like "I prefer llamas". Llamas have bad hygiene, whereas Behavioural Psychologist do not. Please keep this in mind before you jump to such radical and rebellious conclusions.
In a litteral sense, behavioural research can be delicious. Take this Ivon Pavlov guy (he tries to have a better name than mine but he fails miserably. Look at the margin of error between the letters).. he started this cult wherein people torture cute little animal monsters by taunting them with food and then not giving it to them.  You do not believe me? Well, as this is the first lesson of scholarly worth, I believe that you should believe what I believe which is that he hates the animals. Basically he took this dog and then used him to concoct this ridiculous theory about drooling. Seriously, I hate this guy.
However, because I too am a really good psychologist and have good backgrounds in the topic, I will reiterate the way he explains the theory of Classical Conditioning.

Is like a recipe. First you have a dog. But in case I get sued, because dogs are owned by so many people and I don't want to hurt their copyrights, I will use the wild Catiger ( a hybrid cat and tiger creature that lives solely on Planet Zorg. I harvest them as a hobbie.)
When presented with a bunny, the Catiger begins to drool. The drooling is termed the Unconditioned Response, because a Catiger will always drool when it sees a bunny because bunnies are delicious and juicy and give tongues small orgasms. Catiger tongues I mean. I prefer llamas. Anyways.
So the bunny is termed the Unconditioned Stimulus because it makes the Catiger drool no matter what. Sort of like porn and what it does to--

Moving on.

LOL.

So yes, we have an Unconditioned Stimulus creating an Unconditioned Response. Is cool yes? Yes. I bet you feel super smart. Sorry, but I am super smart, you are just copying me. OK.

So then we show the Catiger a hammer alone. The catiger looks at you like a stupid thing and begins to consider you as a potential bunny rabbit. He begins to rip you to pieces. Another psychologist comes in to replace you because psychologists care about other psychologist... Basically, the Catiger does not care what a hammer is. But psychologists do! (We care about everything. Love me). The hammer is the Conditioned Stimulus, or the thing we want to make meaningful. "BUT HOW DOC CHEEZ DO WE DO DIS BRO FROM ANODA MO?" says student.

Well this is when the torture begins. We start to show the Catiger the hammer with the food. The Catiger drools. We keep pairing the hammer with the bunny  50 times. Basically the Catiger is almost drowning in its own saliva. Is bad, but we don't care. Finally, we remove the bunny and just show the hammer.
"OMFG, THE CATIGER IZ DROOLIN, BUT DER IZ NO FUD? WUT?" says student.

Now the Conditioned Stimulus, which at first yielded no Response, now yields the Unconditioned Response. We term the post-conditioning response of drooling as the Conditioned Response. AND THEN WE LAUGH LIKE CRAZY MAN AND MAKE THE CATIGER EAT THE HAMMER.

No.
We do not. What we could do, however, is expand this knowledge into very clever ways. For instance, if you want to make your boyfriend do his laundry, you give him cookies.
So...
Cookies=Unconditioned Stimulus
Laundry= Conditioned Stimulus
Happiness= Unconditioned Response

Cookies= OMG COOKIES I SO HAPPY.
(Cookies+Laundry)*50=OMG COOKIES I SO HAPPY.
Laundry= OMG COOKIES I SO HAPPY.

and then everyone is happy. See? Doc Cheez helps the people with life.



**AFTERWORDS: I tried to hire Larz Bullfly to make beautiful diagrams of this process. But she's too drunk. So I will ask her later. She does not apologize.